Shadows of Smiles and Pain

[Vichee Founder]

There it was again, the same terror from that night. This time though, she pushed it down, forcing it to the pit of her stomach. They weren't going to get anywhere with her running away. If she could run, which she couldn't.

"Then we're both listening to the same thing." Finally, she forced herself to meet his eyes. "You think this doesn't hurt? I can't eat because food tastes like cardboard now. I can't sleep because no matter how many lights I have on, it's still too dark. No matter where I am or how many people are around, I'm alone. Again."

'I don't help you for you, Vichee...'

She snorted. "Oh please Ben, why even bother lying to me? You know I can tell you're doing it. You're the one ho taught me how, after all."

It was stupid to quit running from each other. Stupid to pretend like they didn't give a damn. She reached up and skimmed her finger tips over his cheek, just below his left eye.

"Look at us. Look at you. Since when do you punch walls?" Since when am I afraid of you? Since when can I only sleep when you're with me? Since when does food only taste like food when you're eating it with me? Since when since when..?

[Dr. Benedict Hidzenboosh]

He snatched her hand when she touched him. He didn't want her to touch him. He didn't want people to be near him. He didn't care. Even if he did, he didn't want to. He squeezed her hand, aiming to hurt her.

"As one acts, one chooses how they react..."

He leaned forward. He opened the door in his mind that kept back all the pain, all the anger, all the hate... he let it fill his eyes, his stare. When he looked at her, it was all he could see. It was like he was looking at his sister again--no, Vichee wasn't his sister. Nor would she ever been like her. He narrowed is eyes as he hissed at her.

"I choose for the anger to be all I need... You choose to let me rule you."

He stood up as he released her and went to the bathroom door.

"There are students worried about you."

He jerked the door open, letting it hit the wall and knock loose the sticky note. He caught it and looked at it. He cleared his throat.

"Let me read it out loud: 'Dr. Hidzenboosh'--she spelled my name wrong--'I had to get a CT scan today by Ms. Founder but she looked sad. Can you help her like you are helping me? Melody.' This child is already a lost cause for most other people and I noticed a startling halt in her after the day I got this note. "

He crumbled the note and tossed it at her.

"People choose to be alone or not. You are just too lazy to move on."

He held the door open and pointed outside with his whole hand.

"So go ahead, leave, I will send the note to your boss saying you are fine... because only you control if you heal, only you control if you listen and understand. It is up to you to get,"

He narrowed his eyes at her.

"the FUCK over it."

[Vichee Founder]

When Ben was angry, he terrified her. That much was true, especially now since he seemed to be holding so much...rage. She pushed herself to her feet slowly and crossed the room to the door. Reaching out and pulling the door shut again.

"Tell me what happened." She said quietly. "You don't act like this without a reason. Tell me. What happened." She fixed him with her own sharp gaze.

Her need to help Ben was so much stronger than her fear of him. No matter how angry he was, this was Ben. And she loved Ben. Why hadn't she realized this before, instead of running and playing cat and mouse with him for month? Now she was pissed at herself as well as at him.

"And while we're on the topic of things that happened, tell me what happened that night, because I'm really FUCKING confused. One minute you're kissing me and telling me you love me and the next you're shaking me like a ragdoll and threatening to destroy me mentally. So will you please EXPLAIN that to me, because in my experience, those last two things are not expressions of love." Her voice rose as she spoke, until the last sentence she was damn near screaming at him, standing on her toes in an attempt to get in his face.

[Dr. Benedict Hidzenboosh]

He frowned at her. Well, he owed her that much. He sighed and crossed his arms. He leaned against the wall. He used one hand to push her away from his face, not caring if he covered her face or her neck to do so.

"Don't touch me or come near me, and I will explain everything."

His eyes slid to a sorrowful state and he stared at the broken tile. His blood stained the pieces and his hand was starting to hurt. Anger was a wonderful tool so long as you never ran out.

"When a person keeps emotions bottle up for so long, they can cause a different kind of reaction other than emotional. It can lead to hallucination. Much like a drug, anger can change the way a person views the world. A mother who kills their child because she thought they were demons was probably being abused and molested at work because she couldn't afford to lose her job. Without the child, she can run away."

He looked down at his nails, bloody and crusted as his hand was finally stopped bleeding.

"That night, when I wanted to tell you and show you everything, I opened that door and fell into the hallucination state. Darkness was coming around me and I couldn't get out. Then, I was putting out the candles all the while my physical body did nothing. I thought if I could conquer my own mind, there would be progress. So when the vision set in again, I shook the child within myself to destroy it. I had even thought of setting that part of me on fire and destroying it. When the darkness closed around me and finally peeled away, I was holding you."

He moved to the sink and turned on the water to wash the blood off. Good thing he wore black or the drops of blood on his suit would be a problem. He washed up with the water on low.

"You were terrified and I was horrified. I didn't want to risk doing something like that again, so I wanted--want--you to stay away. If the starting state is shaking, it won't belong until I'm destroying everything around me. The further away you are, the less the child denied in me comes out. It's safer this way for all parties. Isolation is the only salvation."

He grinned at himself in the mirror. There was some blood on his face. How had that get there? He went to wipe it off but stopped.

"You are right. This place does fine what makes you happy. Then it rips it away from you because happiness is a lie."

[Vichee Founder]

"The only one ripping your happiness away is you." There was no way in hell she was staying away now.

"You're taking me along for that ride as well." A soft shake of her head made her feel a little dizzy, but she ignored it. She had to get through to him.
"You say you're keeping me at a distance to keep me safe. Does this-" She lifted her shirt partially, exposing her slightly concave stomach and mildly protruding ribs to him. "-look safe to you?"

She sighed softly and crossed the short distance, reaching out and touching his back softly. It felt so good to touch him without fear again.
"You lost control. It happens. We'll just figure out a way to stop that from happening again." Please let him be semi rational about this. Please, please.
"And it's obviously not this. You were never this angry around me, were you? Yes, you shook me. And I got scared and ran. You never punched at me though. You were never this...rage-blind."

A weak smile flicked over her face. "We're more dangerous apart than we are together, both to ourselves and to others. Aren't we?"

[Dr. Benedict Hidzenboosh]

"Happiness is what I abandoned."

He turned around and knocked her hand away. His eyes were soulless looking from the pain in him. His hands were clinched, the pink water dripping from his hands. The wounds started to bleed again. He took deep ragged breaths.

"You jumped aboard of your own will. Your brain capacity isn't great enough to understand the depths of your actions and capabilities! You can live for yourself, or you can live for others. You can live through yourself, or you can live through others. You live for yourself but through others and that makes no sense! I live for myself and through myself. No one else matters. NO ONE! What happens to you, you choose for it to happen! The mentality is a dismal place where only the smartest can venture beyond their own. You can't even EAT without me because you are letting me RULE you!"

[Vichee Founder]

Vee couldn't stop the sharp snort that left.

"Listen to you. You aren't making any sense. One minute you're telling me you're doing this to protect me and the next you're telling me that you live only for yourself. Humans aren't as cookie cutter as you seem to want them to be. Who SAYS I can't live for myself and through others? You? Your little medical texts? I'm not in your books, they can't tell you how to handle me and that SCARES you, doesn't it? You can't just send me to the cafeteria and toss me a couple sleeping pills and call it a day like you do with everyone else sent to you, can you? Stop RUNNING dammit."

Her vision was starting to swim a little. Tears? No, she didn't feel as though she was going to cry. No, this was fatigue. A month of little sleep and little food combined with all this stress and emotion, and it was dragging her down now of all times. Just. Wonderful.

[Dr. Benedict Hidzenboosh]

"Living through others means you use them as your tools."

He turned to her and grabbed at her head with one hand, holding onto the back of her head. The other hand forced a pill into her mouth and covered her mouth. She would have to either swallow or shoot it out of her nose. It was a sleeping pill. He would knock her out, take her to the hospital and explain that she had to stay there until she was at a healthy weight and regularly put to sleep. He would explain that her mental state would cause her to die if they didn't detain her in the room. He had to save her. It was his redemption.

"Love make no sense."

He muttered as he did this. He didn't care about anything. It was true. Vichee wasn't anything. She was something and amazing. He didn't deserve her because he lived for the dead and gone. He couldn't live for her for he was not alive inside himself.

[Vichee Founder]

Vee clawed at his wrist, making noises of protest. No, she would never use him! Not like that. She finally swallowed the pill, and then there was something wet on her face. Oh, there were the tears. Her eyes begged him not to do this, whatever 'this' was. She knew it wasn't going to get them any closer again.

Her grip tightened on his wrist, clinging to him now. Scared, but not of him. Of the darkness creeping in around her vision and an odd fuzzy numbness that started in her feet and crept up around her throat and face. As she slipped into unconsciousness, she sagged forward, into him. At least he was here. Maybe sleep wouldn't be so bad this time.

[Dr. Benedict Hidzenboosh]

He grabbed her before she collapsed and picked her up. He would take her to the hospital now. She would be safer there. He started out, being careful with her. He just wanted her safe...